[ Probably the night after this and this happens-- ]
[ Meaning, Katsura should probably be asleep, but he's not. It's 4AM. He keeps rotating everything Sonia said in his head like a leftover soup bowl in the microwave. It probably should have been obvious from the start, but somehow, through combined powers of obliviousness and denial, he had managed to get through his life until this point without ever seriously acknowledging that he might, in fact, love Gintoki. ]
[ Not just as his best friend or brother. ]
[ (Apparently, it's un-brother-like to make your labuwus kiss, and maybe he'd argue if everything else didn't fall into place, not to mention that he has to admit he has no idea what is supposed to be brother-like considering he's never had any siblings until he'd found himself some at Shouka Sonjuku.) ]
[ He has fantasized, on occasion, about being in a relationship with him. During the war, even. (Likely even before that, though his idea of "relationship" back then was probably a lot more innocent than after he'd killed his first opponent.) He'd brushed it off as his natural need for romance and the rejection of the idea of handsies in the woods as something casual and meaningless, but the signs really were all there, weren't they. ]
[ But what does that mean? ]
[ Does this cheapen everything they've been through and shared so far, or does it enhance it? He hates to think of himself as somehow not being a proper friend, someone who might have been spurred by ulterior motives rather than something pure. But was he really? No matter from which angle he examines it, he's always been willing to die for the man sleeping next to him, he's always wanted to see him happy, even if it came at the price of his own joy. Surely nobody would go that far were they only interested in worming their way into someone's fundoshi. Which means it's real. ]
[ But that comes with its own heap of implications. How long? And how much has it transformed over the years? If it truly had been all the way back when he'd been stealing glances at the weird boy with fluffy hair through the school's fence, pretending he wasn't looking when he got caught, but his heart did a little flip, and he'd thought maybe the rice he'd eaten earlier had gone off, then it could not have been more than a child's crush then. They'd only started getting to know each other. But with each revelation, each joy and tragedy that made them grow closer year after year, the feeling didn't dissipate. It only grew. Strengthened. Deepened. By the time they had parted ways, it had grown bigger than himself. ]
[ Maybe that's why it was so easy to fall into the void in his absence. ]
[ He'd been sleeping in Gintoki's room for a while now, and after today's revelations, he's forced to look at that differently too. Yes, he was seeking out a familiar comfort, a warmth, a reassurance. But was there more? Was he maybe using it as an excuse to steal some physical contact that he knew didn't belong to him? Gintoki liked girls, didn't he, even if he didn't seem to mind... but that's because he thought Zura was his weird, emotional best friend and not someone who wanted his ****, no doubt. Would this be poisoned now? Can he still look him in the face? Okay, he's established that regardless of any recent additions, their bond is much more than that, but what if it followed the rule of tar and honey? What if now everything else didn't count? What if Gintoki will hate him, or not trust him the way he has so far? ]
[ No, that couldn't possibly be the case, right? One more thing on the pile of things does not invalidate the rest of the pile, surely. ]
[ Gintoki loves him, for certain, even if it might not be the exact way he wishes. ]
[ But he's worrying all the same. ]
[ He hadn't wanted to make a huge scene of dragging his futon back to his room earlier, so here he is, stewing in his thoughts barely a meter away from Gintoki. Today, however, he hadn't treacherously scooted to the very edge of his futon to be as close to Gintoki as possible and maybe end up hugging over the night; no, he'd laid down dead center, tense as a plank, and didn't move until he heard his friend's breaths even out. ]
[ He's on his side now, staring at that painfully familiar patch of white in the dark while thinking all of this, and the agonizing is probably not helping him be less tense. It might be coming off of him in waves at this point, but he stubbornly braves the room anyway because goddammit he will not let this change anything between them and ruin things. ]
[ Something had been off about Zura ever since Gintoki and Sadaharu came back from their walk and Sonia had left. A mostly casual 'are you okay' hadn't given him much, and while he'd considered pushing it if only because Zura's rarely secretive about what he's feeling and if he is it can't be good, but decides to give it a bit of time and see if it'll pass or Zura will tell him.
Otherwise, things seem to be just about normal, after all.
Until it isn't. Until Zura spends the whole night just not moving, until he's drilling holes into the back of Gintoki's head with his stare, and Gintoki's between the phases of deep sleep the weird waves coming off his childhood friend seep into the blissful dark of sleep.
Out of nowhere, he's mysteriously awake, and after a few moments of squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his face into the pillow, he realises that something is off. After another few moments, he realises what is off. He can't feel the heat of another body next to him, and there's no sound of deep breathing.
It takes another few moments for him to decide it's enough of a bother to not try to ignore it and go back to sleep.
He grunts with annoyance, and rolls over to face in Zura's direction, squinting tiredly into the dark. ]
[ Katsura had hoped, perhaps in vain, that Gintoki wouldn't catch onto him so quickly. It's not like he was acting that differently, right? He was merely trying to respect his space in a way that an Allegedly Straight Male Friend would... right? Just how bad has he gotten for Gintoki to clock this as something abnormal? ]
[ Or is he overthinking this again? They did know each other from when they were around seven. There's also nothing wrong with physical contact between friends, regardless of whether or not they fantasize about ****ing each other. Right?
[ He flinches a little at the question, and tries to will himself to stop stress-sweating like he's being hunted for sport. ]
[ Actually... would it be so terrible to tell him, anyway? They don't really have secrets from each other, do they? Of all people, surely Gintoki would understand. He might even help him figure out how to keep all this within the constraints of his comfort and boundaries. There's nothing they can't get through together, he's always been sure of this, and he still is now. Maybe... ]
[ He swallows. ]
...Gintoki. [ A little solemnly, perhaps a hint lower than usual. ] There's... something I want to ask.
[ While he notices the flinch, he doesn't notice any sweating or anything. It's too dark and he's way too tired. He's also sort of hoping Zura will tell him it's nothing and to go back to sleep, and allows himself a tiny groan when that doesn't happen.
Even if he totally brought it on himself by rolling over and asking in the first place. ]
[ There it is. The moment of truth. He can do this. ]
[ He can-- ]
[ Nope. ]
[ No, he absolutely can not do this. ]
[ The potential risks to their friendship aside, there's simply too much at stake. The series is barely halfway through! He can not afford to get distracted from his goal, he can not allow his affections dictate his judgement. The only lover he needs to please right now is the New Dawn of Japan. And Gintoki... might be sort of floundering, but no doubt he'll have something important to do as the main character soon enough. No matter how selfish he may be feeling in the moment, this is simply too much. He can not risk all those futures on a whim for a little wistful fantasy of his. ]
[ They're fine as they are. That's all there is to it. ]
[ He feels his shoulders relax slightly, but he's not sure if it's relief or disappointment. ]
Does it bother you? [ Quietly. ] Me sleeping here, I mean. I realized that I never asked.
[ He just went and invaded Gintoki's private space. Maybe that's inappropriate. Or maybe it's not, but there's one way to find out and he's going for it. ]
[ For a second, it looks like Zura's gearing up to say something very important, though Gintoki couldn't hope to guess what that would be. But he actually blinks his eyes open a little wider and lifts his head a little, in case he might want to scoot closer or something ...
And then what comes out is that question. His expression immediately stops its trajectory towards concern to land on blankness instead, and he heaves a sigh as he drops his head down to the pillow again. ]
Aa? Don't be stupid.
[ With a huff, he turns back around again, muttering 'realised he never asked' to himself, which Zura can most likely catch in the quiet of the room. ]
[ Indeed. It's extremely stupid to ever consider he could have this man to himself in any way, isn't it? It's like trying to own air, monopolize the sun, turn a river away from parched fields. He could not possibly have that much disregard for everything and everyone who also needs him. ]
[ ...Hold on. ]
[ He does finally scoot closer. ]
[ Those sad, poop-colored eyes are, unfortunately, still staring holes into Gintoki's soul. ]
Um. Is that a "don't be stupid, no" or "don't be stupid, yes"?
[ Then it's... probably fine? It's Gintoki's comfort he had been worried about, and if he is okay with this, then it would in fact be selfish to deprive him of much needed touch energy. So it's fine. ]
[ Look at that, maybe he isn't going to banish himself out of Gintoki's room! Retcon that comment from the Yule gifts thread. He might end up not initiating spooning again until Gintoki does or he starts really missing it, though. (That probably won't take longer than a couple weeks--) ]
[ But now he has a new problem. Gintoki is clearly growing suspicious, and uh. How does one act normal? Or... not normal that is his normal??? ]
[ The right thing to do here, as a friend, would probably be to ask more. Something is clearly up with Zura, something he for some reason doesn't feel like sharing with Gintoki but doesn't seem like some kind of scheme or plan that would be worth worrying about.
Which makes it worrying in a wholly different way.
So the right thing would be to ask. But Gintoki is so damn tired, and he groans with frustration as he pinches the bridge of his nose. And then he closes his eyes while he thinks about what to do. ]
[ Katsura takes it as a sign that Gintoki is done with the conversation. He finally wiggles closer, until he's near the edge of his futon, but doesn't cross over into Gintoki's territory as usual. Still, the unnatural chasm between them from earlier has shrunken significantly. Maybe things are okay after all?.. ]
[ He also seems to have succumbed to his need for beauty sleep, because his breaths slow down in just a few moments. ]
[ ...his eyes, however, are still staring into Gintoki's soul, of course. ]
Gintoki's not turning around to see those eyes staring at him (not like he needs to to know they're probably there). He's also going the fuck to sleep. ]
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action; backdated to november
[ Meaning, Katsura should probably be asleep, but he's not. It's 4AM. He keeps rotating everything Sonia said in his head like a leftover soup bowl in the microwave. It probably should have been obvious from the start, but somehow, through combined powers of obliviousness and denial, he had managed to get through his life until this point without ever seriously acknowledging that he might, in fact, love Gintoki. ]
[ Not just as his best friend or brother. ]
[ (Apparently, it's un-brother-like to make your labuwus kiss, and maybe he'd argue if everything else didn't fall into place, not to mention that he has to admit he has no idea what is supposed to be brother-like considering he's never had any siblings until he'd found himself some at Shouka Sonjuku.) ]
[ He has fantasized, on occasion, about being in a relationship with him. During the war, even. (Likely even before that, though his idea of "relationship" back then was probably a lot more innocent than after he'd killed his first opponent.) He'd brushed it off as his natural need for romance and the rejection of the idea of handsies in the woods as something casual and meaningless, but the signs really were all there, weren't they. ]
[ But what does that mean? ]
[ Does this cheapen everything they've been through and shared so far, or does it enhance it? He hates to think of himself as somehow not being a proper friend, someone who might have been spurred by ulterior motives rather than something pure. But was he really? No matter from which angle he examines it, he's always been willing to die for the man sleeping next to him, he's always wanted to see him happy, even if it came at the price of his own joy. Surely nobody would go that far were they only interested in worming their way into someone's fundoshi. Which means it's real. ]
[ But that comes with its own heap of implications. How long? And how much has it transformed over the years? If it truly had been all the way back when he'd been stealing glances at the weird boy with fluffy hair through the school's fence, pretending he wasn't looking when he got caught, but his heart did a little flip, and he'd thought maybe the rice he'd eaten earlier had gone off, then it could not have been more than a child's crush then. They'd only started getting to know each other. But with each revelation, each joy and tragedy that made them grow closer year after year, the feeling didn't dissipate. It only grew. Strengthened. Deepened. By the time they had parted ways, it had grown bigger than himself. ]
[ Maybe that's why it was so easy to fall into the void in his absence. ]
[ He'd been sleeping in Gintoki's room for a while now, and after today's revelations, he's forced to look at that differently too. Yes, he was seeking out a familiar comfort, a warmth, a reassurance. But was there more? Was he maybe using it as an excuse to steal some physical contact that he knew didn't belong to him? Gintoki liked girls, didn't he, even if he didn't seem to mind... but that's because he thought Zura was his weird, emotional best friend and not someone who wanted his ****, no doubt. Would this be poisoned now? Can he still look him in the face? Okay, he's established that regardless of any recent additions, their bond is much more than that, but what if it followed the rule of tar and honey? What if now everything else didn't count? What if Gintoki will hate him, or not trust him the way he has so far? ]
[ No, that couldn't possibly be the case, right? One more thing on the pile of things does not invalidate the rest of the pile, surely. ]
[ Gintoki loves him, for certain, even if it might not be the exact way he wishes. ]
[ But he's worrying all the same. ]
[ He hadn't wanted to make a huge scene of dragging his futon back to his room earlier, so here he is, stewing in his thoughts barely a meter away from Gintoki. Today, however, he hadn't treacherously scooted to the very edge of his futon to be as close to Gintoki as possible and maybe end up hugging over the night; no, he'd laid down dead center, tense as a plank, and didn't move until he heard his friend's breaths even out. ]
[ He's on his side now, staring at that painfully familiar patch of white in the dark while thinking all of this, and the agonizing is probably not helping him be less tense. It might be coming off of him in waves at this point, but he stubbornly braves the room anyway because goddammit he will not let this change anything between them and ruin things. ]
[ It's fine. He's fine. ]
no subject
Otherwise, things seem to be just about normal, after all.
Until it isn't. Until Zura spends the whole night just not moving, until he's drilling holes into the back of Gintoki's head with his stare, and Gintoki's between the phases of deep sleep the weird waves coming off his childhood friend seep into the blissful dark of sleep.
Out of nowhere, he's mysteriously awake, and after a few moments of squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his face into the pillow, he realises that something is off. After another few moments, he realises what is off. He can't feel the heat of another body next to him, and there's no sound of deep breathing.
It takes another few moments for him to decide it's enough of a bother to not try to ignore it and go back to sleep.
He grunts with annoyance, and rolls over to face in Zura's direction, squinting tiredly into the dark. ]
What's going on with you?
1/2
[ Or is he overthinking this again? They did know each other from when they were around seven. There's also nothing wrong with physical contact between friends, regardless of whether or not they fantasize about ****ing each other. Right?
[ He flinches a little at the question, and tries to will himself to stop stress-sweating like he's being hunted for sport. ]
2/2
[ Actually... would it be so terrible to tell him, anyway? They don't really have secrets from each other, do they? Of all people, surely Gintoki would understand. He might even help him figure out how to keep all this within the constraints of his comfort and boundaries. There's nothing they can't get through together, he's always been sure of this, and he still is now. Maybe... ]
[ He swallows. ]
...Gintoki. [ A little solemnly, perhaps a hint lower than usual. ] There's... something I want to ask.
[ He can do this. ]
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Even if he totally brought it on himself by rolling over and asking in the first place. ]
What?
no subject
[ He can-- ]
[ Nope. ]
[ No, he absolutely can not do this. ]
[ The potential risks to their friendship aside, there's simply too much at stake. The series is barely halfway through! He can not afford to get distracted from his goal, he can not allow his affections dictate his judgement. The only lover he needs to please right now is the New Dawn of Japan. And Gintoki... might be sort of floundering, but no doubt he'll have something important to do as the main character soon enough. No matter how selfish he may be feeling in the moment, this is simply too much. He can not risk all those futures on a whim for a little wistful fantasy of his. ]
[ They're fine as they are. That's all there is to it. ]
[ He feels his shoulders relax slightly, but he's not sure if it's relief or disappointment. ]
Does it bother you? [ Quietly. ] Me sleeping here, I mean. I realized that I never asked.
[ He just went and invaded Gintoki's private space. Maybe that's inappropriate. Or maybe it's not, but there's one way to find out and he's going for it. ]
no subject
And then what comes out is that question. His expression immediately stops its trajectory towards concern to land on blankness instead, and he heaves a sigh as he drops his head down to the pillow again. ]
Aa? Don't be stupid.
[ With a huff, he turns back around again, muttering 'realised he never asked' to himself, which Zura can most likely catch in the quiet of the room. ]
no subject
[ Indeed. It's extremely stupid to ever consider he could have this man to himself in any way, isn't it? It's like trying to own air, monopolize the sun, turn a river away from parched fields. He could not possibly have that much disregard for everything and everyone who also needs him. ]
[ ...Hold on. ]
[ He does finally scoot closer. ]
[ Those sad, poop-colored eyes are, unfortunately, still staring holes into Gintoki's soul. ]
Um. Is that a "don't be stupid, no" or "don't be stupid, yes"?
no subject
He looks over his shoulder again, as though looking at Zura's face in this darkness could hope to clear anything up. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't.
And he grunts with annoyance and rolls onto his back. ]
No, obviously. Why are you being weird?
no subject
[ Then it's... probably fine? It's Gintoki's comfort he had been worried about, and if he is okay with this, then it would in fact be selfish to deprive him of much needed touch energy. So it's fine. ]
[ Look at that, maybe he isn't going to banish himself out of Gintoki's room! Retcon that comment from the Yule gifts thread. He might end up not initiating spooning again until Gintoki does or he starts really missing it, though. (That probably won't take longer than a couple weeks--) ]
[ But now he has a new problem. Gintoki is clearly growing suspicious, and uh. How does one act normal? Or... not normal that is his normal??? ]
...it's not weird, it's Katsura.
[ Nailed it. ]
no subject
Which makes it worrying in a wholly different way.
So the right thing would be to ask. But Gintoki is so damn tired, and he groans with frustration as he pinches the bridge of his nose. And then he closes his eyes while he thinks about what to do. ]
no subject
[ He also seems to have succumbed to his need for beauty sleep, because his breaths slow down in just a few moments. ]
[ ...his eyes, however, are still staring into Gintoki's soul, of course. ]
no subject
[ Right.
Never mind, then.
Gintoki's not turning around to see those eyes staring at him (not like he needs to to know they're probably there). He's also going the fuck to sleep. ]