[ It doesn't matter how much she pretends like she's herself. He already knows there's something. There's something for him too, really. There is just ...
[she doesn't speak of her in the past tense, because her family survived the war, didn't they? even if they're not here, they're still living the ashford life.
but that thought hits her in the heart, and the gentle smile she was wearing disappears for a moment. she's quick to regain it, though.]
[of course she is. she's great at so many things, except for making friends that stay alive. womp womp.
before she actually sets to searching for what he's asked for, she braces her arms against the kitchen sink, standing there and staring at the water for a moment, trying to push herself to get it together. has he seen the cracks forming? does he know what happened yesterday? no, no. it's fine. he doesn't know, and he doesn't need to know.
but she becomes too distracted by her thoughts as she goes through the motions of mixing chocolate milk for him. grab a glass. what if he saw her with lelouch? open the fridge. has she even mentioned her emperor? grab the milk and chocolate sauce. was he even her emperor anymore? pour the milk and the chocolate. would gintoki even care? he didn't seem like he would care. find a spoon. why was she so worried anyway? stir. it's not like she was actually upset. this was stupid. this is so damn stupid. why would she even miss him? she stopped loving him a long time ago. she--
in her frenzy, she topples the glass over, spilling chocolate milk all down her front, then hits the open milk carton and has that spill all over the counter and floor, and while she tries to save that (as if saying "oh no" over and over while trying to scoop milk up with her hands is going to save it), the glass falls to the floor and breaks.
that's the worst omen she's ever seen. and for a moment, she stands there in silence, covered in milk, a puddle of it around her feet, staring at a shattered glass.]
He pauses with the fork halfway to his mouth and watches the whole thing. It all goes very fast, and he blinks as the milk carton falls, and actually jumps a little at the shattering of glass. Ah ...
He knew there was something very not right.
(He's not really right either, right now. Though he is very good at pretending to be, because apathy is his general state of things, and a little bit more won't necessarily alert anyone who doesn't know him really well. Milly's still a new friend. She probably can't tell.)
The fork clinks when he puts it down, and stands up. Without a word, he steps around the table and croaches down beside her, picking up the shattered pieces of glass. ]
[she watches him for a moment, eyes wide as nothing really registers-- everything is a blur, and he doesn't even seem to be there. something else is there, someone else. but her mind realises he's on the ground by her feet, and he's picking up glass, and that just upsets her further.
she falls to her knees, and grabs at his wrists to stop him from helping, torn between looking at him and keeping her eyes to the floor.]
Gintoki, please... Don't. Don't worry about this. I've got this! [her voice shakes, though, and she doesn't sound like she has much of anything.] I'm sorry. Please, just...
[just what? she doesn't seem to know. but she knows she doesn't want him to have to deal with any of this, to see her so rattled.]
[ While he lets her stop him and doesn't pull his hands free, he doesn't seem to have any intention of actually stopping. Instead he looks at her, gaze steady and catching her eye only whenever she looks up at him. Unmoving.
A pillar.
That's him. The never changing pillar with the soul that doesn't waver, for everyone to lean against. Shouyou showing up has only further cemented this role, to him. ]
Milly.
[ That's it. All he says. She can take it as she wishes, but the bottom line of it is: Stop. Breathe. ]
[if only she knew something was wrong for him... this wouldn't be happening. for as much as he is a pillar, so is she. or so she would like to believe.
and yet, here she is, shattering and trying to pick up those pieces before he even sees them. put it back together. pretend like everything is fine, like she hasn't been breaking since the moment she realised they were all gone. it'll be fine...
but the way he says her name sounds so much like she's a child who has been caught doing something wrong, and she can't bear to look at him. he knows. maybe not details, but he knows. and all of this? it's now a failure. a small noise, something that sounds so pained, escapes her, and she hangs and shakes her head, her face obscured by her hair.] I'm sorry...
[ Even a pillar needs another pillar sometimes. That's something people are still trying to teach him.
But for now, he will be hers. Doesn't even consider to let her be his, because if anyone, that's usually Katsura. For now, though, he knows she needs one, and he knows because he recognises every sign. Knows them so well. The signs of a person trying so hard to gather up the pieces of their shattered self only to have them fall out of their arms because they can't hold them.
That's what friends are for. To pick up the ones you can't.
This time, he'll be around to do that.
He snorts. ]
For what? Don't be stupid.
[ If she'll let him, he's going to pull his hands free and continue picking the glass up. ]
[she doesn't want to let him go. she needs to hold onto to something, to tether herself to the moment and focus on the present. half of her mind is with gintoki, with the mess on the floor, but the other half is with lelouch, kallen, lloyd, and a world she can't ever get back to. the divide between them is blurring, just a little, and she can't have that. she can't let everything she buried find its way to the surface. not now, not ever.
(fragments of it have already done so. pushing them down is pointless.)
but she releases him, and tries to steady herself. deep breaths, think of how to fix this... she lifts her head to look at him for a moment, but she can feel her throat closing up, and tears budding in her eyes, and she can't let him see that. lowering her head again, she tries to find better words, but once again, all she can manage is a soft apology.
she doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what to do. on top of everything else, she's probably ruining gintoki's night, and that makes her feel even worse. it's bad enough to have her own problems. now she's just making more for others.]
[ If she gave him a good look she'd probably realise just how much she hasn't ruined his night. But getting the glass is his priority at the moment, because that can end up unfortunate places. Only once he's certain the very most of it is on the counter or brushed away (and his hand washed off any chocolate milk), he's right back by her side. When he speaks, his voice is softer than she's probably ever heard it. And very close, because his head is slightly lowered too, right by hers. ]
"You won't believe the day I've had," or something like that, wasn't it? You got distracted, but you were really ready to give me a good story.
[he's still picking up glass, but her hands have been hovering over the mess, unable to do anything. she wants to help, to clean it up, but she can't bring herself to do it. what can she even do? she can't do anything. she can't save anyone, or keep anyone around, or even help in some small way. she's only an observer, and a useless one at that.
the tears are threatening to spill again, but gintoki's voice keeps her from crying-- for the moment. it's so gentle. he's so... taking a deep breath, she nods and reaches for him again, this time holding onto the sleeve of his yukata.]
Was I? I must've just been excited to see you... [she tries to say it like a joke, but it's so earnest. shaky, but honest.] People from... from home [how odd to call it home.] came here. My former fiance, a friend, and-- [this one is the hardest. because she doesn't know what she should call him. he was so many things to her... he's still something to her. but what?] --my emperor.
[that's not the right title for him... but it's enough to get the tears to actually fall. she lets go of him with one hand to cover her eyes.] I-it was so nice t-to see them again...
[ And now they're gone. And that's why she has all this food.
He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, as she covers up. Hides. All of this ... He's in the exact same boat. It's so similar it has to mean ... somehow, she's lost all of them? Probably. The reaction doesn't seem right otherwise.
Unsure of what else to do, he puts a hand on the back of her head and pulls it closer, towards his shoulder. She can resist if she'd like, in any way, and he'd let her go, but ... ]
Yeah.
[ It was nice. To see people like that. But now it's almost like having lost them again. ]
[if there's one thing she knows as well as he does, it's losing loved ones in a war. the only difference between them is that she never let herself grieve, never allowed herself more than a moment to miss people she knew she'd never see again. she'd keep herself trapped in that past, that wonderful, rose-coloured memory. to give up so much progress for that... she would, but she had to try not to.
things that don't change go extinct. that's what she'd said, and that's what pushed her forward. but she was already dead, at least in her mind. what good was change for someone like her? change had killed them all, brought them back for a golden moment in time, and viciously ripped them away from her.
the tears fall harder, but she doesn't want him to know how much she's hurting. this is a mess. this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. still, he's being so kind, even when she's collapsing. it feels like she's dying all over again, but this time she can truly feel it, with the pain spreading from her heart through her whole body. it's so much slower than the first time, but so much sharper. at first, she doesn't budge when he tries to bring her closer-- she'll stain his yukata, he's going to hear her cry, she's going to make everything so much worse-- but he's so warm, so gentle... so she presses her face into his shoulder, her hands moving to clutch at the yukata, still trying to keep her voice steady and push it out.]
I m-missed them so much... All of them. I just wish th-they could've stayed longer. Just a l-little bit.
[ For a moment, he almost lets her go because she doesn't seem to want that kind of comfort, but then she leans into him and so he keeps his hand there, fingers gently brushing through her hair.
Just a little bit ...
Me too.
He leans his head against hers, and squeezes his eyes shut.
We should have had so much more time.
He doesn't say anything else, because he no longer trusts his own voice. ]
[she should stop talking, stop trying to tell him the reasons for this moment of weakness. there's nothing she can say to excuse it. but the more she tries to stop her tears, the harder she cries, her crying turning into sobbing, everything hitting her again. she can see them all. shirley's coffin, suzaku's headstone, lloyd being taken to prison, the guns poised to fire at kallen, the sword running through lelouch. it's been so long since they all were so vivid, since their faces were so crystal clear. and now, they're fresh in her memory. just like her wounds.
she holds onto him tighter, like if she lets go, he too will disappear, her voice a choked whisper.]
They didn't deserve to die... I didn't want them to die...
[ It just keeps escalating, and it's ridiculous to him that she felt the need to hide it. Like he's not doing the exact same thing, right now. Because the truth is he could cry just as much as she is, right now, and he supposes that's hypocritical in a way but ...
Right now, she doesn't need someone else crying on her anyway.
He puts his other arm around her back, very light, but it's there. Physical affection doesn't often come easily for him. At least this isn't too complicated.
There are still no words, but there's a soft humming sound so that she knows he's listening, he's here, not going anywhere. ]
[of course she needs to hide it. of course she does. very few people have seen her cry, but not a single one of them is here. the britannian way is to bury, ashfords have no room for weakness, and milly? she just wants to see everyone smile. that is impossible, though, if she's crying. hiding all this pain is for something so much bigger than her pride, something rooted so deep in her and impossible to cast aside that prevented her from breaking when lelouch was ripped away from her the first time, when she was so sure she had died, when she lost everything she held dear. perhaps it was a selfish need to protect herself. perhaps it was a selfless desire to be well enough to protect others. no matter what it was, it isn't there anymore.
the sobs won't stop, and even though she shouldn't try to speak again, she does, her voice strained, a pathetic sound from someone who feels equally pathetic.] I loved him so much... [and it's that confession, a truth she hasn't ever uttered, that breaks her entirely. the sobs come harder, and she wraps her arms around his waist, holding onto him like he's the only lifeline she has in this world, finally mourning the death of her beloved like she should've done the day he was assassinated. he's gone. he's gone and she will never see him again. this is the cruellest thing the landlord has ever done to her-- to show her the ghost of the man she loved, to promise her a second chance with him, and then making him-- no, all three of them-- vanish into thin air.
she wasted the time she had with them. she thought she would have more... if only she had known she had mere hours instead of forever, like she expected. if only.]
[ Honestly, he's glad. Glad that he's able to give her this. Because he knows how it eats you, when you bottle something up and just leave it there. He can't remember how long it took for him to properly cry after they lost Shouyou, but it took a while. Coaked out by someone else, then, too.
Sometimes, that's what's necessary.
It's strange to have someone cling onto him like this. That doesn't usually happen. But he supposes he can tighten his grip on her, a little. His other hand is still brushing through her hair, fingers rubbing a little against her scalp. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Today was a lot. ]
Wise woman.
no subject
[she doesn't speak of her in the past tense, because her family survived the war, didn't they? even if they're not here, they're still living the ashford life.
but that thought hits her in the heart, and the gentle smile she was wearing disappears for a moment. she's quick to regain it, though.]
...Do you want me to get you anything?
no subject
no subject
I'll see what I can find.
no subject
no subject
before she actually sets to searching for what he's asked for, she braces her arms against the kitchen sink, standing there and staring at the water for a moment, trying to push herself to get it together. has he seen the cracks forming? does he know what happened yesterday? no, no. it's fine. he doesn't know, and he doesn't need to know.
but she becomes too distracted by her thoughts as she goes through the motions of mixing chocolate milk for him. grab a glass. what if he saw her with lelouch? open the fridge. has she even mentioned her emperor? grab the milk and chocolate sauce. was he even her emperor anymore? pour the milk and the chocolate. would gintoki even care? he didn't seem like he would care. find a spoon. why was she so worried anyway? stir. it's not like she was actually upset. this was stupid. this is so damn stupid. why would she even miss him? she stopped loving him a long time ago. she--
in her frenzy, she topples the glass over, spilling chocolate milk all down her front, then hits the open milk carton and has that spill all over the counter and floor, and while she tries to save that (as if saying "oh no" over and over while trying to scoop milk up with her hands is going to save it), the glass falls to the floor and breaks.
that's the worst omen she's ever seen. and for a moment, she stands there in silence, covered in milk, a puddle of it around her feet, staring at a shattered glass.]
no subject
He pauses with the fork halfway to his mouth and watches the whole thing. It all goes very fast, and he blinks as the milk carton falls, and actually jumps a little at the shattering of glass. Ah ...
He knew there was something very not right.
(He's not really right either, right now. Though he is very good at pretending to be, because apathy is his general state of things, and a little bit more won't necessarily alert anyone who doesn't know him really well. Milly's still a new friend. She probably can't tell.)
The fork clinks when he puts it down, and stands up. Without a word, he steps around the table and croaches down beside her, picking up the shattered pieces of glass. ]
no subject
she falls to her knees, and grabs at his wrists to stop him from helping, torn between looking at him and keeping her eyes to the floor.]
Gintoki, please... Don't. Don't worry about this. I've got this! [her voice shakes, though, and she doesn't sound like she has much of anything.] I'm sorry. Please, just...
[just what? she doesn't seem to know. but she knows she doesn't want him to have to deal with any of this, to see her so rattled.]
no subject
A pillar.
That's him. The never changing pillar with the soul that doesn't waver, for everyone to lean against. Shouyou showing up has only further cemented this role, to him. ]
Milly.
[ That's it. All he says. She can take it as she wishes, but the bottom line of it is: Stop. Breathe. ]
no subject
and yet, here she is, shattering and trying to pick up those pieces before he even sees them. put it back together. pretend like everything is fine, like she hasn't been breaking since the moment she realised they were all gone. it'll be fine...
but the way he says her name sounds so much like she's a child who has been caught doing something wrong, and she can't bear to look at him. he knows. maybe not details, but he knows. and all of this? it's now a failure. a small noise, something that sounds so pained, escapes her, and she hangs and shakes her head, her face obscured by her hair.] I'm sorry...
no subject
But for now, he will be hers. Doesn't even consider to let her be his, because if anyone, that's usually Katsura. For now, though, he knows she needs one, and he knows because he recognises every sign. Knows them so well. The signs of a person trying so hard to gather up the pieces of their shattered self only to have them fall out of their arms because they can't hold them.
That's what friends are for. To pick up the ones you can't.
This time, he'll be around to do that.
He snorts. ]
For what? Don't be stupid.
[ If she'll let him, he's going to pull his hands free and continue picking the glass up. ]
no subject
(fragments of it have already done so. pushing them down is pointless.)
but she releases him, and tries to steady herself. deep breaths, think of how to fix this... she lifts her head to look at him for a moment, but she can feel her throat closing up, and tears budding in her eyes, and she can't let him see that. lowering her head again, she tries to find better words, but once again, all she can manage is a soft apology.
she doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what to do. on top of everything else, she's probably ruining gintoki's night, and that makes her feel even worse. it's bad enough to have her own problems. now she's just making more for others.]
no subject
"You won't believe the day I've had," or something like that, wasn't it? You got distracted, but you were really ready to give me a good story.
no subject
the tears are threatening to spill again, but gintoki's voice keeps her from crying-- for the moment. it's so gentle. he's so... taking a deep breath, she nods and reaches for him again, this time holding onto the sleeve of his yukata.]
Was I? I must've just been excited to see you... [she tries to say it like a joke, but it's so earnest. shaky, but honest.] People from... from home [how odd to call it home.] came here. My former fiance, a friend, and-- [this one is the hardest. because she doesn't know what she should call him. he was so many things to her... he's still something to her. but what?] --my emperor.
[that's not the right title for him... but it's enough to get the tears to actually fall. she lets go of him with one hand to cover her eyes.] I-it was so nice t-to see them again...
no subject
He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, as she covers up. Hides. All of this ... He's in the exact same boat. It's so similar it has to mean ... somehow, she's lost all of them? Probably. The reaction doesn't seem right otherwise.
Unsure of what else to do, he puts a hand on the back of her head and pulls it closer, towards his shoulder. She can resist if she'd like, in any way, and he'd let her go, but ... ]
Yeah.
[ It was nice. To see people like that. But now it's almost like having lost them again. ]
no subject
things that don't change go extinct. that's what she'd said, and that's what pushed her forward. but she was already dead, at least in her mind. what good was change for someone like her? change had killed them all, brought them back for a golden moment in time, and viciously ripped them away from her.
the tears fall harder, but she doesn't want him to know how much she's hurting. this is a mess. this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. still, he's being so kind, even when she's collapsing. it feels like she's dying all over again, but this time she can truly feel it, with the pain spreading from her heart through her whole body. it's so much slower than the first time, but so much sharper. at first, she doesn't budge when he tries to bring her closer-- she'll stain his yukata, he's going to hear her cry, she's going to make everything so much worse-- but he's so warm, so gentle... so she presses her face into his shoulder, her hands moving to clutch at the yukata, still trying to keep her voice steady and push it out.]
I m-missed them so much... All of them. I just wish th-they could've stayed longer. Just a l-little bit.
no subject
Just a little bit ...
Me too.
He leans his head against hers, and squeezes his eyes shut.
We should have had so much more time.
He doesn't say anything else, because he no longer trusts his own voice. ]
no subject
she holds onto him tighter, like if she lets go, he too will disappear, her voice a choked whisper.]
They didn't deserve to die... I didn't want them to die...
no subject
Right now, she doesn't need someone else crying on her anyway.
He puts his other arm around her back, very light, but it's there. Physical affection doesn't often come easily for him. At least this isn't too complicated.
There are still no words, but there's a soft humming sound so that she knows he's listening, he's here, not going anywhere. ]
no subject
the sobs won't stop, and even though she shouldn't try to speak again, she does, her voice strained, a pathetic sound from someone who feels equally pathetic.] I loved him so much... [and it's that confession, a truth she hasn't ever uttered, that breaks her entirely. the sobs come harder, and she wraps her arms around his waist, holding onto him like he's the only lifeline she has in this world, finally mourning the death of her beloved like she should've done the day he was assassinated. he's gone. he's gone and she will never see him again. this is the cruellest thing the landlord has ever done to her-- to show her the ghost of the man she loved, to promise her a second chance with him, and then making him-- no, all three of them-- vanish into thin air.
she wasted the time she had with them. she thought she would have more... if only she had known she had mere hours instead of forever, like she expected. if only.]
no subject
Sometimes, that's what's necessary.
It's strange to have someone cling onto him like this. That doesn't usually happen. But he supposes he can tighten his grip on her, a little. His other hand is still brushing through her hair, fingers rubbing a little against her scalp. ]