[ And now they're gone. And that's why she has all this food.
He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, as she covers up. Hides. All of this ... He's in the exact same boat. It's so similar it has to mean ... somehow, she's lost all of them? Probably. The reaction doesn't seem right otherwise.
Unsure of what else to do, he puts a hand on the back of her head and pulls it closer, towards his shoulder. She can resist if she'd like, in any way, and he'd let her go, but ... ]
Yeah.
[ It was nice. To see people like that. But now it's almost like having lost them again. ]
[if there's one thing she knows as well as he does, it's losing loved ones in a war. the only difference between them is that she never let herself grieve, never allowed herself more than a moment to miss people she knew she'd never see again. she'd keep herself trapped in that past, that wonderful, rose-coloured memory. to give up so much progress for that... she would, but she had to try not to.
things that don't change go extinct. that's what she'd said, and that's what pushed her forward. but she was already dead, at least in her mind. what good was change for someone like her? change had killed them all, brought them back for a golden moment in time, and viciously ripped them away from her.
the tears fall harder, but she doesn't want him to know how much she's hurting. this is a mess. this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. still, he's being so kind, even when she's collapsing. it feels like she's dying all over again, but this time she can truly feel it, with the pain spreading from her heart through her whole body. it's so much slower than the first time, but so much sharper. at first, she doesn't budge when he tries to bring her closer-- she'll stain his yukata, he's going to hear her cry, she's going to make everything so much worse-- but he's so warm, so gentle... so she presses her face into his shoulder, her hands moving to clutch at the yukata, still trying to keep her voice steady and push it out.]
I m-missed them so much... All of them. I just wish th-they could've stayed longer. Just a l-little bit.
[ For a moment, he almost lets her go because she doesn't seem to want that kind of comfort, but then she leans into him and so he keeps his hand there, fingers gently brushing through her hair.
Just a little bit ...
Me too.
He leans his head against hers, and squeezes his eyes shut.
We should have had so much more time.
He doesn't say anything else, because he no longer trusts his own voice. ]
[she should stop talking, stop trying to tell him the reasons for this moment of weakness. there's nothing she can say to excuse it. but the more she tries to stop her tears, the harder she cries, her crying turning into sobbing, everything hitting her again. she can see them all. shirley's coffin, suzaku's headstone, lloyd being taken to prison, the guns poised to fire at kallen, the sword running through lelouch. it's been so long since they all were so vivid, since their faces were so crystal clear. and now, they're fresh in her memory. just like her wounds.
she holds onto him tighter, like if she lets go, he too will disappear, her voice a choked whisper.]
They didn't deserve to die... I didn't want them to die...
[ It just keeps escalating, and it's ridiculous to him that she felt the need to hide it. Like he's not doing the exact same thing, right now. Because the truth is he could cry just as much as she is, right now, and he supposes that's hypocritical in a way but ...
Right now, she doesn't need someone else crying on her anyway.
He puts his other arm around her back, very light, but it's there. Physical affection doesn't often come easily for him. At least this isn't too complicated.
There are still no words, but there's a soft humming sound so that she knows he's listening, he's here, not going anywhere. ]
[of course she needs to hide it. of course she does. very few people have seen her cry, but not a single one of them is here. the britannian way is to bury, ashfords have no room for weakness, and milly? she just wants to see everyone smile. that is impossible, though, if she's crying. hiding all this pain is for something so much bigger than her pride, something rooted so deep in her and impossible to cast aside that prevented her from breaking when lelouch was ripped away from her the first time, when she was so sure she had died, when she lost everything she held dear. perhaps it was a selfish need to protect herself. perhaps it was a selfless desire to be well enough to protect others. no matter what it was, it isn't there anymore.
the sobs won't stop, and even though she shouldn't try to speak again, she does, her voice strained, a pathetic sound from someone who feels equally pathetic.] I loved him so much... [and it's that confession, a truth she hasn't ever uttered, that breaks her entirely. the sobs come harder, and she wraps her arms around his waist, holding onto him like he's the only lifeline she has in this world, finally mourning the death of her beloved like she should've done the day he was assassinated. he's gone. he's gone and she will never see him again. this is the cruellest thing the landlord has ever done to her-- to show her the ghost of the man she loved, to promise her a second chance with him, and then making him-- no, all three of them-- vanish into thin air.
she wasted the time she had with them. she thought she would have more... if only she had known she had mere hours instead of forever, like she expected. if only.]
[ Honestly, he's glad. Glad that he's able to give her this. Because he knows how it eats you, when you bottle something up and just leave it there. He can't remember how long it took for him to properly cry after they lost Shouyou, but it took a while. Coaked out by someone else, then, too.
Sometimes, that's what's necessary.
It's strange to have someone cling onto him like this. That doesn't usually happen. But he supposes he can tighten his grip on her, a little. His other hand is still brushing through her hair, fingers rubbing a little against her scalp. ]
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no subject
He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, as she covers up. Hides. All of this ... He's in the exact same boat. It's so similar it has to mean ... somehow, she's lost all of them? Probably. The reaction doesn't seem right otherwise.
Unsure of what else to do, he puts a hand on the back of her head and pulls it closer, towards his shoulder. She can resist if she'd like, in any way, and he'd let her go, but ... ]
Yeah.
[ It was nice. To see people like that. But now it's almost like having lost them again. ]
no subject
things that don't change go extinct. that's what she'd said, and that's what pushed her forward. but she was already dead, at least in her mind. what good was change for someone like her? change had killed them all, brought them back for a golden moment in time, and viciously ripped them away from her.
the tears fall harder, but she doesn't want him to know how much she's hurting. this is a mess. this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. still, he's being so kind, even when she's collapsing. it feels like she's dying all over again, but this time she can truly feel it, with the pain spreading from her heart through her whole body. it's so much slower than the first time, but so much sharper. at first, she doesn't budge when he tries to bring her closer-- she'll stain his yukata, he's going to hear her cry, she's going to make everything so much worse-- but he's so warm, so gentle... so she presses her face into his shoulder, her hands moving to clutch at the yukata, still trying to keep her voice steady and push it out.]
I m-missed them so much... All of them. I just wish th-they could've stayed longer. Just a l-little bit.
no subject
Just a little bit ...
Me too.
He leans his head against hers, and squeezes his eyes shut.
We should have had so much more time.
He doesn't say anything else, because he no longer trusts his own voice. ]
no subject
she holds onto him tighter, like if she lets go, he too will disappear, her voice a choked whisper.]
They didn't deserve to die... I didn't want them to die...
no subject
Right now, she doesn't need someone else crying on her anyway.
He puts his other arm around her back, very light, but it's there. Physical affection doesn't often come easily for him. At least this isn't too complicated.
There are still no words, but there's a soft humming sound so that she knows he's listening, he's here, not going anywhere. ]
no subject
the sobs won't stop, and even though she shouldn't try to speak again, she does, her voice strained, a pathetic sound from someone who feels equally pathetic.] I loved him so much... [and it's that confession, a truth she hasn't ever uttered, that breaks her entirely. the sobs come harder, and she wraps her arms around his waist, holding onto him like he's the only lifeline she has in this world, finally mourning the death of her beloved like she should've done the day he was assassinated. he's gone. he's gone and she will never see him again. this is the cruellest thing the landlord has ever done to her-- to show her the ghost of the man she loved, to promise her a second chance with him, and then making him-- no, all three of them-- vanish into thin air.
she wasted the time she had with them. she thought she would have more... if only she had known she had mere hours instead of forever, like she expected. if only.]
no subject
Sometimes, that's what's necessary.
It's strange to have someone cling onto him like this. That doesn't usually happen. But he supposes he can tighten his grip on her, a little. His other hand is still brushing through her hair, fingers rubbing a little against her scalp. ]